Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, Jesus

Lately I have been blessed beyond belief. People who have seen me the past few weeks know what I’m talking about. It’s times like these that I know for a fact that the big guy upstairs totally got my back, na mean? :)

I didn’t have that great of a start to the semester, but the past month has really redeemed my life. You think I’m joking, but I’m not. I can’t even bring myself to complain, I’ve been blessed beyond understanding and there is no other explanation except that God is good all the time (and too good to me)!

Fabulous February: My roommate and I decided to deem last month “Fab Feb” in which we would do fabulous things every weekend. On the first weekend, we saw Cirque du Soleil. On the second weekend, we went to Furman and enjoyed the beauty of the campus. On the third weekend, I went on R U Game and dipped my feet in the ocean (at Hilton Head)…then turned around and stood front row at Dave Barnes’ concert. This past weekend, I got randomly picked to meet Matt Nathanson for Emory’s Rockfest…then stood front row for his concert too. Oh, my name also got picked in a raffle and I won a tshirt.

And it gets better! Almost every time I've gone out to catch up with a friend over food, they have graciously paid. It's ridiculous how many free meals I've enjoyed this semester! Just this morning, I was meeting with Kim Goldsmith at Rise n' Dine and my pastor David Slagel happened to be meeting there too, and he did the sneaky thing and paid for our bill. It almost made Kim cry. I do believe that sometimes people are angels from heaven, human forms of grace that humble and awe us to no end.

And the crazy thing is, I've been praying for grace this semester, and patience, and understanding, and the rediscovery of joy and what it means to be truly me. I think I've found myself again, maybe even a stronger version of myself, but myself nonetheless.

These above described things never happen to me. At least they have never happened to me this ridiculously. But they did and they have, and they have made sunshine shine out my ass all month. If you see me, you’ll most likely see me grinning from ear to ear because there ain’t nothing that can turn this frown upside down!

It's times like this that I realize that I am and will forever be indebted to the One who makes things possible, both the good and the bad. But the good definitely outweighs the bad...story of my life!

I'm thinking about returning to the blog world, writing makes me feel more like myself. Perhaps I shall give it a try again...

P.S. Two consecutive posts? Insane in the membrane…

L is for the way you look at me

“All you need is love” is a lie cause

We had love but we still said goodbye

Now we’re tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it’s nobody’s fault cause there’s

Nothing to blame at the drop of your name

It’s only the air you took and the breath you left

So maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and

Wait on your porch till you come back home

Oh right

I can’t find a flight

So I’ll check the weather wherever you are

Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight

It might be my only right

So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young

I’ve pinpointed the reason why I write in this wretched, ill-kept thing. My need, the burning in my fingertips, the irritation in my veins, comes from within, from the inner turmoil that eats away at my soul.

The older I’ve gotten the more I’ve come to realize that as much as life rocks, life also sucks. Sometimes I feel like my life is a walking example of a John Mayer song, where everything is pessimistic and sad, gloomy and forlorn. Because as much as I am an optimist, there are times where the nastiness and cruelness of life come in throwing punches from angles I didn’t know existed.

I’m entering a part of life that revolves around big steps that lead to even more big steps that eventually leads to a box full of…more steps. And these aren’t steps like learning to walk, talk, count. Those steps don’t depend on the happenings of others. Big steps are things like work or more school, singleness or marriage, a big house with picket fence or a place you can actually afford. These steps not only require you to know what you want for yourself, but also what you want for yourself and then some for someone else. How do you balance selfishness with timidness? How do you exchange balance for clarity? How do you balance the fast pace of life with the slowness of figuring stuff out?

The things that have happened to me and those immediately around me in this fast senior year of college has really thrown me in for a loop. I’ve had more joy this year than any of the other years, but I’ve also had the most confusing and topsy-turvy times too. Sometimes it gets so frustratingly complicated that all I want to do is throw in the towel and give up, press the pause button and escape for a Mexicoma.

This is the faithless idiot within, the selfish and scared one who thinks that everything will have to be figured out soon or else something catastrophic will happen and strike me dead before I give life a fighting chance. I want to live without fear, without regrets.

But the funny thing about living without regrets is that it means you have to have given every possibility a chance, even the possibilities you’re not fond of. And that’s something I don’t know if I want to do. Because some of those possibilities make me vulnerable, stupid, and just straight up unwise. And I don’t want to be unwise.

I want to be the optimist I usually am, I want to see things positively and think positively and I want to think out undesired outcomes and transform them into desired consequences.

I went and saw Marley & Me and wept like a baby. Life is freaking unbelievable sometimes. The older I get the more emotionally invested I get in stupid movies that have a tinge of truth. Maybe it’s because I’m coming to realize that life is straight up wrong sometimes, even if you’ve worked hard and given all you can give.

I want to know that it is possible to achieve a happiness that is experienced not only by yourself, but to those around you too. I want to know that it is possible to know of the happy ending waiting for you after the worst five minutes of plot.

So excuse my old-lady-angry-at-everything-that-lives mentality today. Sometimes the bitter 80-year-old in me lashes out unaccounted for. Bring me back to my 21-year-old self, where the boy is handsome, the friends are joyous, the family is nice and the weather is warm and sunny.

Hike up your skirt a little more and show the world to me

Here’s my inconsistent post for the next three months.

I got goosebumps three times today. The first time was when I walked into my Religion & Politics class and discovered it was freezing, like it is every day. The second time was when we watched Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech in my other class. The last time was when five of us felt the need to press the same pedestrian walk button while waiting for the light to change. It’s funny that goosebumps are a result of a plethora of events.

I’m currently obsessed with T.I. There’s something about rap music back-beats that make me want to groove and move. And if you know me, I don’t groove or move. At the same time, I’m equally moved by Gabe Dixon and the love he makes to the piano. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that he was made to play black and white keys.

I’m two weeks away from Fall Break and it’s not coming fast enough.

I tried to take some nature-alone time today at Lullwater, the oasis of forest, lakes, and ducks…only to find myself plopped in the middle of a red ant hill. Nothing better than enjoying God’s creation by bites that remind me of my afternoon spent at the park.

But seriously, I’ve started working on my prayer life because quite frankly it sucks. Example: totally said “half-ass” in my prayer today. It made me stop and I nervously looked up at the sky and said sorry. I have this strange fear of talking out loud to a person who’s not physically in front of me. Maybe I’m afraid people will realize that I am actually a little coo-coo. Maybe I’m afraid I’m speaking to empty air. Maybe I’m afraid of what prayer will show me, that my life is still in shambles week after week after week…after week.

I want a “dare you to move” moment. I want a “this is your life, are you who you want to be” revelation. Switchfoot and their way with words, so inspiring that it shames me to take no action whatsoever.

I’m at the end of my academic rope (for a while), and the questions keep coming. For the record, I have no idea what I want to do in the next year or what I will be doing in the next year or where I will be in the next year or who I will be in the next year. It would help if everyone paused for a moment and realized that they were probably just as clueless about their future as I am when they were my age and asked me questions that were actually relevant to my life and not so stressful; what did you think about last week’s episode of The Office (LOVED IT!), where’s the best place to go for a snack (tie between Yoforia and the food in my refrigerator), why haven’t I gone camping yet even though the weather is clearly camping weather (because I have too many tests in a row).

Side note, since giving up the Patriots, I no longer have a team to call family. As a result, I have not watched a single NFL game yet. I caught the second half of the UGA-Bama game this past weekend, and it made me realize how great football can be without the cheating scandals, the baby-mamas, and the quarterbacks that get injured on the first game of the season. So I’m up for nominations. So far many have suggested I become a Falcons fan due to my current place of residence. Others say I should stay to my ‘root’s and go Skins. I don’t want to be viewed as a bandwagoner though, and I heard that the gold and burgundy brought it home this weekend. So suggest away, and I will (hopefully) choose wisely.

In ten years I want to be able to say that I grew a lot in college, grew in a way that made me a better person, a better daughter, a better friend, a better Christian. I want to be able to look at my fellow classmates in the eye and tell them that my life is a reflection of who I am in Christ. I'm sure that I will have those good days where my hopes are affirmed and made true. Those are the days I need to be sure to be joyful and thankful.

I want to be the song You made me to be, the picture You painted me to be, the pot You molded me to be. How hard is it to surrender wholly? Apparently 21 years hard.

I want to feel passionate about God like I feel passionate about Michael Phelps winning the gold

I have a love/hate relationship with writing. When I want to write, my brain says no. When I say no, my fingers type away.

It is true, I’m home. I had lunch with Debby last week and she asked me why I didn’t continue writing during my time in Savannah. How do you put to words an experience that is indescribable? I hung out with high schoolers 24/7 and as much as that might seem to be such a chore, I loved every minute of it. I have never eaten out so much, laughed so hard, tanned so much (!), lounged so much, jumped off docks so much, fixed houses so much, listened so much, formed friendships so much, and molded myself so much. It was a summer of discovering the souls behind 20+ youth, and a summer of discovering my own soul. It’s been strange being home, every part of me wishes I was back in Savannah living the life I was so used to living for the past three months. And boy have these past three months flown by! I can’t believe the summer is over and I’m about to start my last year in college.

My last year in college! The year I find myself and find what I want to do and find out how much I want to potentially invest into the rest of my life. I’m terrified and excited at the same time. I’m excited old faces will be joining me, and I have no doubt that this will be a year for the books. Carolyn, welcome to the best place on earth :) The ATL will treat you well.

Time passes way too quickly. My kids from Little Lights are seniors in high school now, with the determination to go to college and amaze me with all their accomplishments. I just helped Priscilla move in to medical school. People are engaged and getting married. I'm paying rent for an apartment. People are asking me what I plan to do with my life instead of what my favorite color is. What?!

It’s kind of ridiculous to think that this time next year my life will have changed drastically. There are a lot of things in works that will rock my world and I’m good at pretending that I’m ok with it.

And the crazy, amazing thing is that this time next year I know that despite the ridiculousness of it all, I will still be able to say that God is good and will forever be good to me. Even when I am who I am, with all my shortcomings and my downfalls, God will always shower me with grace and mercy. I come up empty handed and unworthy every time, but each time more humbled and more in love. I hope this journey continues and I hope that I never stop learning the little things about God that makes Him so big in my life.